Delve Into My Mind

Well, I got me a new phone. I really wanted an iPhone, but of course you can only get those if you are on AT&T. Now that we live in Amarillo we actually qualify for AT&T service but I have come to love, love, love Alltel's My Circle. I have 11 numbers that anytime I call them or anytime they call me it is free and doesn't come off my minutes. I think Jason and I share 500 minutes a month and we never ever get close to going over or even using them all up. I did some research online and found out that the Samsung Delve is similar to the iPhone. So, I got Jason one and played around with it for a while and really liked it, so I bought me one too. Now, you know me, hater of all things change. The last 10 or so phones I have had have been Motorola. Since I am a "stick with it" kind of girl, that is always the only kind of phone I would ever consider, so it goes without saying that this was a huge leap for me to actually buy a phone that's not a Motorola. Anyways, there is actually a point to all this cluttered nonsense I am spitting. I am having to redo my Contacts list and add pictures to each phone number. The guy at Alltel offered to transfer all my numbers and when he was done he said it was a good thing he did it because I had over 200 phone numbers to transfer. No, I don't really have that many friends, I just have each and every eating place in Dumas, all the stores we shop at, motels we have stayed at, and other useless numbers programmed that I am absolutely convinced I am going to need someday. And yes, I actually have pictures of the Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, KFC, etc logos as well. I know, I'm an idiot, right? So, as I am going through all these contacts and adding pictures I am finding several people who I have recently added whose pictures aren't in my phone yet. So what's a girl to do? Yeah, pull out the 500 GB portable hard drive and find amongst the 25,000 pictures (no exaggeration, that is literal) I have stored on it to find that one picture I want to represent that particular person. For instance, I know I have a ton of pictures of Jason's Aunt Cheryl but I am having to go through literally hundreds of pictures to find a good head shot to crop and transfer to my phone. It's been fun looking at all the old pictures but it's been painful as well. I am emotional right now and maybe it's because I have watched 5 straight episodes of the Locator and they always make me cry. Tonight there were two not so happy endings and it's just really sad. It's sad to see these people who are searching for a lost loved one to find out in the end that they are dead or don't want to even meet them. I think family is such a precious, precious gift that should never be taken for granted or wasted. Sure, you're not always going to agree or get along but the hard facts are you will always be family. Families are supposed to stick together no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! Even when you make bad decisions, even when you make stupid mistakes, even when it's tougher to stay than just to walk away. It breaks my heart to lose half of my family for no good reasons when I see people who have no one, literally no living family left and they just crave for that one tiny connection. We have the world, yet they chose to hate me and hate him because of me. I'll never understand and I don't think I'll ever get over this hollow hurt and scars this has left behind. I miss them all in spite of the hurtful things that have been said and done. I hurt for him more than anything because I know he feels like a piece of him has been ripped from his body and it will never heal, just remain an open festering wound. I am powerless to make it any better. I've been told the more I try to fix it the worse it gets. I fight that urge to pick up the phone and make that call to just beg and ask what can I do to make it right? What can I do to make it better? What do I have to change to make you accept me, love me, or at the very least like me? It's not pride that keeps me from making that phone call. I need you to know that it's respect. The one thing they demand from me but have never allowed me. So I'll remain removed from their lives and it will continue to be painful and I pray that with time that pain will subside. The last few months have been hard, very hard. I want to be angry, unforgiving and aloof but that's not me. I can't hold a grudge to save my life even when I would be better off doing just that. The silver lining in all this mess is how much it has made me appreciate my family and the unfailing support that pours out, even if it is just because my dog is sick. I have seen the relationship between my husband and my father bloom again. Some people say it's weird or crazy that I am so close to my family or that we spend way too much time together, but let me tell you something. I am the lucky one. I am so blessed to have the parents I do who raised me in church and taught me to forgive, who set that example of lasting love with their unbroken marriage. These two people who at this very moment are sleeping not 5 foot from where I type this, have supported me through all the good times and all the really low times. They are my best friends and my lifeline. I am so grateful to have a sister who is my best friend and I can go to with anything. I know that they will all be there at the drop of a hat no matter how trivial and they will surround me with love and understanding. How can a heart be so full of love and yet so full of pain? I feel blessed and cheated all at the same time. Go figure. And for those of you who are only interested in gossip fodder, then go somewhere else. I'm not giving details and I won't name names. This is a private matter that I haven't spoken about publicly and it will remain a private issue. I just needed to get this off my chest.