I'm Baaaaack

Ok, so most of you know that I used to update my MySpace blog pretty often. I have tons of words and thoughts running through my mind and it helps to put those into to cyber space and let some things go and share certain things with others. There are several things I have held back on blogging about out of respect for my family and mainly, my dignity. I have pretty much abandoned MySpace and am lucky to log in once a week or so. Facebook is my new guilty pleasure but there is really no blog feature there. So, I have transferred most of my blogs from MySpace and facebook and am officially staking my claim here on Blogger.com. Now, it's time for the rules ;)

Disclaimer: This blog belongs to me. The thoughts expressed on this blog belong to me. The opinions shared on this blog belong to me. Unless you are my husband, my mom or dad, my sister or brother, or my really, really close friend, I really don't care if what I say offends you or hurts your feelings. This is MY outlet and I'm am way beyond tired of the petty jabs some of you have taken at me for just being me. So, for those of you who came at me last time with "blogs are gay", here is some advice. Take your mouse and gently move your cursor to the top right hand corner.....yeah, right there. See that white X in the red box? Time for you to click it.

Delve Into My Mind

Well, I got me a new phone. I really wanted an iPhone, but of course you can only get those if you are on AT&T. Now that we live in Amarillo we actually qualify for AT&T service but I have come to love, love, love Alltel's My Circle. I have 11 numbers that anytime I call them or anytime they call me it is free and doesn't come off my minutes. I think Jason and I share 500 minutes a month and we never ever get close to going over or even using them all up. I did some research online and found out that the Samsung Delve is similar to the iPhone. So, I got Jason one and played around with it for a while and really liked it, so I bought me one too. Now, you know me, hater of all things change. The last 10 or so phones I have had have been Motorola. Since I am a "stick with it" kind of girl, that is always the only kind of phone I would ever consider, so it goes without saying that this was a huge leap for me to actually buy a phone that's not a Motorola. Anyways, there is actually a point to all this cluttered nonsense I am spitting. I am having to redo my Contacts list and add pictures to each phone number. The guy at Alltel offered to transfer all my numbers and when he was done he said it was a good thing he did it because I had over 200 phone numbers to transfer. No, I don't really have that many friends, I just have each and every eating place in Dumas, all the stores we shop at, motels we have stayed at, and other useless numbers programmed that I am absolutely convinced I am going to need someday. And yes, I actually have pictures of the Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, KFC, etc logos as well. I know, I'm an idiot, right? So, as I am going through all these contacts and adding pictures I am finding several people who I have recently added whose pictures aren't in my phone yet. So what's a girl to do? Yeah, pull out the 500 GB portable hard drive and find amongst the 25,000 pictures (no exaggeration, that is literal) I have stored on it to find that one picture I want to represent that particular person. For instance, I know I have a ton of pictures of Jason's Aunt Cheryl but I am having to go through literally hundreds of pictures to find a good head shot to crop and transfer to my phone. It's been fun looking at all the old pictures but it's been painful as well. I am emotional right now and maybe it's because I have watched 5 straight episodes of the Locator and they always make me cry. Tonight there were two not so happy endings and it's just really sad. It's sad to see these people who are searching for a lost loved one to find out in the end that they are dead or don't want to even meet them. I think family is such a precious, precious gift that should never be taken for granted or wasted. Sure, you're not always going to agree or get along but the hard facts are you will always be family. Families are supposed to stick together no matter what. NO MATTER WHAT! Even when you make bad decisions, even when you make stupid mistakes, even when it's tougher to stay than just to walk away. It breaks my heart to lose half of my family for no good reasons when I see people who have no one, literally no living family left and they just crave for that one tiny connection. We have the world, yet they chose to hate me and hate him because of me. I'll never understand and I don't think I'll ever get over this hollow hurt and scars this has left behind. I miss them all in spite of the hurtful things that have been said and done. I hurt for him more than anything because I know he feels like a piece of him has been ripped from his body and it will never heal, just remain an open festering wound. I am powerless to make it any better. I've been told the more I try to fix it the worse it gets. I fight that urge to pick up the phone and make that call to just beg and ask what can I do to make it right? What can I do to make it better? What do I have to change to make you accept me, love me, or at the very least like me? It's not pride that keeps me from making that phone call. I need you to know that it's respect. The one thing they demand from me but have never allowed me. So I'll remain removed from their lives and it will continue to be painful and I pray that with time that pain will subside. The last few months have been hard, very hard. I want to be angry, unforgiving and aloof but that's not me. I can't hold a grudge to save my life even when I would be better off doing just that. The silver lining in all this mess is how much it has made me appreciate my family and the unfailing support that pours out, even if it is just because my dog is sick. I have seen the relationship between my husband and my father bloom again. Some people say it's weird or crazy that I am so close to my family or that we spend way too much time together, but let me tell you something. I am the lucky one. I am so blessed to have the parents I do who raised me in church and taught me to forgive, who set that example of lasting love with their unbroken marriage. These two people who at this very moment are sleeping not 5 foot from where I type this, have supported me through all the good times and all the really low times. They are my best friends and my lifeline. I am so grateful to have a sister who is my best friend and I can go to with anything. I know that they will all be there at the drop of a hat no matter how trivial and they will surround me with love and understanding. How can a heart be so full of love and yet so full of pain? I feel blessed and cheated all at the same time. Go figure. And for those of you who are only interested in gossip fodder, then go somewhere else. I'm not giving details and I won't name names. This is a private matter that I haven't spoken about publicly and it will remain a private issue. I just needed to get this off my chest.

I'm gonna set my lawn on fire

Yes, you heard me right. I'm going to do a controlled burn in my front yard and all three of my backyards. I don't know how many of you have been on 287 between Dumas and Amarillo, but personally, I'm there twice a day Monday through Friday. Now, back to the point. Have any of you noticed the dozen or so burned patches on that stretch of road? Well, while everything else is dry, brittle, yellow, hay like dead grass the places that have been burned have brand new green green baby grass growing in it's place. I mean, we haven't even had any moisture to promote the growth of new grass so it's got to be the fact that it was burned, don't ya think? Well then, it seems only logical to start a fire on my lawn. I don't know, now that I think about it it might cost more money to replace my sprinkler system than it would be for me to just pay some one to come lay sod. Who knows. I guess I'll just revert to watering and hope my grass gets as green as the burned out patches are. And, I would like to state for the record that I am jealous that's it's not me going on a cruise and visiting Mickey Mouse's house AND getting offered a job that woud more than double my salary. I'll slink back to my hole and cry.
4:27 PM

Man Caves, Bob Cats & Hip Hop

So, just had a bunch of stuff rumbling around in my head and thought I would post a random blog. First of all, I think I'm getting sick and that's no fun. I have been in a crappy mood all week and looking back I think it was a prelude to this crap that has landed in my chest. You know when you go swimming and accidentally inhale a mouth full of water and it makes your nose and throat burn and sting? Yeah, that's how I have felt for the last couple of days. It started when I went out in the shop with Jason. We have a 20 x 20 shop in the backyard and Jason and Corey have turned it into a "Man Cave" (HUH, picture flexing your muscles like Tim Allen on Tool Time). Anyways, they have worked tirelessly on building a homemade wood burning stove to keep the place nice and toasty while they play pool on Jason's brand new REAL and really expensive pool table while listening to "Man Cave" remix cd's made by my metro sexual brother-in-law, Corey. No, really, I totally love the 80's rock he has compiled. So, Jason is wanting to chill in his "Man Cave" but doesn't want to go alone so he drags me in my pajamas, along with Daisy and Axel out to the shop to watch his mad skills on the pool table. He lights a fire. He turns on the music. Romantic, you think? Naw, I fell asleep on the couch, as did Daisy and Axel. So, while I'm sleeping I'm inhaling melting paint off the newly built wood burning stove (which is actually a 55 gallon drum) as well as soaking up the smell of lighter fluid. The minute I come to in this nice toasty "Man Cave" I realize my throat feels like it is raw and on fire. Sooooo, my asthmatic lungs didn't really like the "Man Cave" too much and now I'm sick.

Now, let's talk about my niece, Karegan, for just a little bit. I bring her to Dumas with me on Tuesday's and Thursday's so she can go to school. This kid is super smart. She can tell you her full name, address, can say her entire alphabet, knows her numbers, can sing about 20 songs, has memorized 5 or so bible scriptures, and can perform a dozen or so commands when asked. She's two years old, people! This kid is a genius! Anyways, she cracks me the heck up almost every time I am around her. Usually she is pretty quiet on the ride over in the morning, cause let's face it, neither of us are morning people. In the afternoon, though, she is pretty talkative and just recently pretty opinionated as well. Since she was pretty little I would play that song Yeah by Usher and I taught her how to pump her hands in the air and do the chicken neck to the beat. It's hilarious and as soon as the song is over she says "Go again". We usually listen to that song all the way back to Amarillo. Well, a couple of weeks ago we were right in the middle of the Yeah marathon and I'm watching her in the rear view mirror because it's just too much fun not too. She's pumping her hands and doing the chicken neck and then she starts getting creative and throwing out some Michael Jackson break dance hand moves. Then she grabs her left hand and brings it right up to her face and acts like she is singing right to her hand but no sound is coming out. I almost ran off the road it was so funny. So I've made it a point to keep my rear view mirror pointed directly at her so I don't miss anything. Just a few days later as we are on the way home she was kind of crabby and not really feeling the Yeah marathon and so I had the radio on XM Love Songs. I'm watching her off and on in mirror and all of a sudden I see her slap herself in the face and then reach up and pull her hair. Instantly right after this display of abuse by her own hand she points her finger at the offending hand and says "No no, don't pull my hair!" (in the same accent John Travolta used in Saturday Night Fever when proclaiming "Don't touch the hair") Words can't describe the giggle fit that happened once I saw that. I asked her who had pulled her hair and she said it was her hand. Jeez. So the next time we were in the car together the offending hand struck again but this time after being scolded it apologized to Karegan so all was cool. Now, this brings us to this morning. She was quite talkative for early morning and very peeved that the sun was in her face. She kept saying, Lowee, the sun and pointing and squinting her eyes. I told her we would turn soon and just close her eyes and before long it would be gone. She closed her eyes for about 30 seconds and then realized that was kind of like nap time and said she would no longer keep her eyes closed all the while still complaining about the sun. Then she kind of drifts off and we are just listening to the radio which is just random songs I have on my iPod and she says, "Lowee, here". I turn around and see the hugest bobcat on the end of her finger. For those of you wondering what a bobcat is, well, it's a booger. Come on people, get there. I don't like poop, boogers, throw up or snot. I don't have kids and I can't just pluck bobcats out of her hand and do away with it. So I throw her a tissue and tell her to put it in the tissue. She does and just stares at it. I told her to fold the tissue and hand it to me. She didn't understand the fold part and was just trying to hand me the open tissue with the bobcat just hanging on it. Ugh, I almost puked. I told her in my shrill panicked voice to wad the tissue up and throw it on the ground. Yeah, she didn't get the wad part either but she did threw the tissue on the floor. Last week she lost a whole piece of gum back there, so keep that in mind next time you ask me for a ride. Yup, bobcats and gum roaming freely in my backseat. So, once we both recover from the bobcat issue a song comes on the radio and we listen to it and as soon as it's over Karegan says "Again!". So I go back to the previous song and we listen again...and again....and again....and then one more time. It wasn't the usual Yeah, it was Crank That by Soulja Boy. Lordy, lordy, this chick likes hip hop. At least she didn't try to get out of going to school today. Last week she told me she was sick and needed to go to the doctor and not to school. Tuesday she flat out told me she wasn't going to school. Poor kid has a long road ahead of her if she's trying to ditch school at 2! Oh yeah, Meagan Daniells, my new friend wanted a shout out in my next blog, so there ya go. Reminds me of a fella I used to work with who got his picture in the Tulia paper with the caption reading "Roger Morgan, never did nothing just wanted his picture in the paper."
5:06 PM

Still

Sometimes out of nowhere it sneaks back up and tears at my heart and the pain is just as fresh as a newly opened wound and it's hard to breathe for a while and then it subsides and I know soon it'll be okay again. Just let me have peace tonight, though the pain in my heart is unbearable right now and I can't stop these tears. Maybe one day I'll have a miracle and tomorrow will bring peace again.
1:16 AM

Dog Drama and Possible Mass Suicide

Most of you know that my animals are my life and I love them each like they are my children. A while back I posted a blog about how Axel had put on a bunch of weight and had really slowed down even though he's not that old. After some tests he was diagnosed as having Hyperthyroidism and has been on medication twice a day since then. Poor guy will have to be on it the rest of his life. I guess I should say poor me as well! At first I was able to just pop the pills in the back of his throat and he would swallow it and we would go on with the day. Then I started finding bits and pieces and even whole pills on the floor and in couch cushions. So, I bought these stupidly expensive "Pill Pockets" that you put the pill in and squeeze together and they think they are just eating a treat. Well, that has worked for a while now and I thought all was well until we moved to Amarillo. Axel started putting weight back on and acting more lethargic and the hair down his back would stand on end most of the time. It was so odd so I took him back to the vet to make sure his thyroid medicine was still working like it was supposed to. Blood work came back great and all his levels were normal. Dr. Pearson did say he may be suffering from back pain or it could be stress and trauma from the move, although I don't really see why. So, things haven't gotten any better in the last month and actually they have gotten a bit worse. Back to the vet we go and this time we see Dr. Pearson's wife. She was quite concerned with Axel's posture and said he showed all the signs of a dog in chronic pain. Ugh, my poor baby. We had some X-Ray's done and sure enough he has some defects to a vertebrae on his spine. They are thinking that the defect is putting a lot of pressure on the nerves and causing quite a bit of pain. Also, while trying to reposition himself to be more comfortable he has put quite a bit of strain on his haunches which isn't good. So now Axel is on Prednisone for the inflammation, a pretty strong pain reliever, and a glucosomine supplement to help strengthen his bones. That equates to 4 pills in the morning and 4 pills at night. This is where the challenges have arisen. It was hard trying to make sure he kept one pill down, but now it's an impossible battle. We tried just putting all the pills in Pill Pockets and he got the first one down and then continuously spit the rest out every time! So I get this bright idea to get wet food in the packets and put the pills in the bowl with the food. Yeah right! He ate all the food and pushed the pills out of the way. Soooo, I put all the pills in pill pockets and mixed them with the wet food and guess what?? He eats everything but the pill pockets. I have resorted each time to cramming all of them one by one down his throat until he is gagging and slobbering everywhere and I'm covered in slobber. The vet today recommended putting the pills in vienna sausages, so I'm gonna try that tonight. Now, to complicate the pill matter a little more, I had Maxwell neutered today in Dumas and he has to take an antibiotic twice daily for 6 days. I wanted to get Chester scheduled for his neuter sometime in the next couple of weeks but they had a cancellation for in the morning and then he too will be on 6 days worth of antibiotics! On a side note, it is with a very sad heart that I must relay the news of the passing of not 1, 2, 3, 4 but 5 of my fishies who have left this world for the big ocean in the sky. Yup, and Nemo was one of them. I'm not sure what the sudden mass fatalities are from but Jason is lower than a snake's belly. He has been babying that aquarium since day one and he gets the water checked at least once and sometimes twice a week and all our levels have been perfect. The only good news we have had in the last 24 hours has been the fact that our shrimp is alive and kicking and getting huge! We put him in the tank to help control the aptasia and he promptly disappeared, never to be heard from until last night. Seriously, he has been missing in action for a little over a month. Anyways, for you animal lovers, please keep my pooches, fishies, corals and mushrooms in your thoughts as we mourn, heal and try to move on in this cold, cold world.

An Update on Life

Whew, it's been a crazy few months. As you all know, back in November my husband decided he wanted to buy a house and move to Amarillo. Of course, thinking about that change nearly made me have a heart attack, but fortunately, I survived. We closed on our house on December 18th and it's been a crazy, eventful roller coaster ride ever since. Moving right in the middle of the Christmas season was absolute torture. Most everyone was too busy to help, unwilling to schedule Christmas gatherings around our 1 day move, and it was just too darn cold. I thank the Lord everyday for my sister and her husband, my Mom and Dad and my Mema. They ALL gave 100% to help as much as they could and I don't think I will ever be able to repay them. Another thing that is truly amazing is the help and support we got from my brother-in-law, Corey's family. Corey and his sister's husband, Robert, dropped what they were doing on the Saturday before Christmas to drive two hours round trip to help pack and load the U-Haul. Both of Corey's sisters and their husbands were among the first to come over and see our new house and have welcomed us into their church, homes and lives. Let me just take a minute here to talk about the milestone that buying a house is for the few of you out there that think and one that actually said, and I quote "if a house is all you have to talk about then you live a sad little life.My treasures are elsewhere!".....well, there are a few life changing milestones that most people experience in a lifetime. Some of the major milestone events in life are graduating from high school and/or college, getting married, having a child, buying a house, and retirement. There are some other major milestones, but typically, these are the basic ones. I'm excited, proud, elated and overjoyed by the purchase of our new home and this will be, by far, the biggest investment we will ever make. We picked this house ourselves, found and used our own realtor (Jinger White with ERA is the absolute BEST EVER), obtained our own financing completely in our own names and 100% by ourselves, and ended up with a 5.75% interest rate, thank you very much! If you want to boycott coming to see our new home, that is perfectly fine; if you want to take pot shots at the fact that we are unable to have children, that's fine as well and you'll answer to the Lord Almighty for that, but no one, and I mean NO ONE will ever be able to take the happiness we have away from us. It may hurt my feelings that you don't like me, it may make me angry that you say bad things to and about me, but I will not tolerate ANYONE trying to destroy my marriage. I have never intentionally lied to my husband and we have no secrets from each other. Our marriage is stronger now than it has ever been and we are closer and more in love than we were 8 years ago. For the first time in 8 years we are going to church together and starting over has been the best thing we could have ever thought about doing. So, now to the majority of people who have supported us, helped us, and visited us, you are all part of this new chapter in our life and we are so grateful for all of you. We had the privilege of having my entire family spend Christmas at our new home. My parents, Mema and Ryan came over Christmas Eve to attend candlelight services at Cliffside and then spent the night. Corey, Lisa, Karegan, and Ponytail (Karegan's new pony) came over in time to have lunch and open gifts. We were able to finish Christmas day off at Jason's mother's house in Dumas and got to see all the kids open their gifts, which is always a blast, as well as getting to meet our nephew Derrick's girlfriend. Oh, to be young and innocent again! We were so blessed to have Brother Stevens and his wife Pat come to church with us and spend a day at home with us. They are both precious people and no one will ever be able to tarnish the relationship I have with them. We have had overnight company almost every weekend, including my parents several times, my Mema, and Jason's mother, Carol and her sister, Cheryl. Last night as we were driving home after having supper with Lisa and Corey, Jason said that forcing me to move to Amarillo was the best thing he has ever done. I can now say that each and every day when I wake up in my new house I am thankful that we made this decision and I can truly see us growing old together in this house. Jason and I are both still working in Dumas and will continue to do that until the Lord opens a door elsewhere. We are both just very thankful that during this time of economic hardship we both have a great job. Driving back and forth isn't bad at all so far. I have actually grown to love the alone time I have each day and also enjoy Karegan's company 2 days a week when she comes to Dumas to go to school. Who knows what other milestones we may encounter in the coming years. I look forward to them all and welcome everyone to be a part of that future. My heart is full right now with the love and happiness that surrounds me and I will continue to look to the Lord for guidance. I just wanted to share something that happened last Wednesday. I had several places to go last Wednesday night before heading back to Amarillo and I decided to just go straight home instead of stopping at church on my way into town because I was running late. Corey, my brother-in-law and Pastor, sent me a message and wanted to know if I was coming. I immediately turned my car towards church and I was so glad I did. He preached on forgiveness and I so needed that sermon. Matthew 18:21-22 says (21) "Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times? (22) Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven." Our direction from Jesus Himself was to forgive no matter what. There isn't a set amount of times you have to forgive someone or they you. You see, I have no room in my heart for hate, just forgiveness. I am not perfect and I may have wronged each and everyone who reads this at some point in my life. I am truly sorry for any hurtful things I may have said or done. I serve an awesome God and whether everyone or no one chooses to forgive me I know that He has already erased the past. I am human and I am not perfect, I have emotions, I hurt, I cry, I scream, I make assumptions but I am who I was meant to be. I've realised that I can't make everyone happy all the time no matter how hard I try. I love my Lord, I love my husband, Jason, I love ALL of our family, and I can truly say that I love my life. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm fulfilled, and I've made peace with the fact that I will never be a mom. I'm okay and we will be alright no matter what. It will continue to hurt my heart to have unmended relationships but I've done what was required of me and that's all I can do. On a much lighter note, we have made an addition to our new home that we are tremendously excited about. Jason has always dreamed of having a saltwater aquarium with all types of exotic fish and coral. Well, we were running around town the other day and stumbled upon a small little exotic fish store called Exotic Aquatics. When we walked in the place was stifling hot and so crazy disorganised you could barely walk. We did a walk through and was about to walk on out when the lady behind the counter got off the phone and asked us if we had a tank. Jason started talking to her and she was incredibly knowledgeable and got excited at the prospect of us getting a tank started. Not to mention the fact that she has a male Boston Terrier that stays at work with her, so I knew right away she was good people! She mentioned that she had a great customer who was desperately trying to get rid of his 110 gallon saltwater set up and was practically giving it away. She arranged for us to go by his house and see it and we were totally blown away. He had invested $6,000 to $8,000 in this aquarium and was only asking $1500 for everything,...fish, coral, filters, lights and all. Of course, who has that kind of pocket change lying around?? We made an arrangement to pay it out until our income tax refund arrives and wallah, by Sunday we had a beautiful saltwater tank full of fish sitting in our kitchen. It is just breathtakingly incredible. We have several crabs that just constantly roam around the bottom, a Sea Cucumber, a Clown Fish (Nemo), a Yellow Tang, a huge Butterfly fish, some red guy that holds on to the rocks, and a few brilliant blue fish that I can't remember their names. We have some snails and tons of live Coral as well as a sea anemone. There are tons of other living things roaming around in there that we have yet to identify, but we are working on that. You are all welcome at our new home and we would love the company....and if you made it all the way to the end of this blog I will give you a cookie cause this is ridiculously long!

Currently listening:Love Remains the SameBy Gavin RossdaleRelease date: 2008-07-22
11:25 AM