Don't be mad.... Current mood: curious

....I'm not talking about you.
I checked my MySpace today and was quite surprised to see that so many people are reading my blogs. I guess I have been under the assumption that Mom and Lisa and a few other friends were the only ones reading because no one ever comments. But, I just discovered the blog view which shows how many people have read your blog today, this week and total. Less than 24 hours of posting a new blog the number is astronomical and that really surprised me and prompted me to worry a little about some of the things I've said because I usually only blog when I'm really emotional or really upset. I am really bad about making assumptions about certain things like statements people make, blogs they post, comments made to other people and such. I have a tendency to think "are they talking about me?". I don't want any of my friends or family to have to wonder "is this blog or post about me?" (and if you are ever concerned about that, just ask me!). I have seen a lot of really nice people accuse, belittle and berate other people in their blogs and posts. It's easy to be an "online bully". I don't want to be an "online bully" and I guess I felt the need to explain a couple of things. First of all, it is very, very hard for me to express my emotions and feelings. I can be feeling a million things inside and not know how or when to express those feelings and sometimes that comes across as me being an unemotional person. Sometimes I just need to get it out so it doesn't build up inside and I have done that through posting blogs and calling my sister or mom bawling. I've never mentioned anyone by name and I can guarantee that if you think I'm talking about you in a certain situation you are probably wrong 95% of the time. I can't hold a grudge to save my life. You can make me fighting mad one day and by night fall I'll be your best friend. So please know that anything I write is usually done when I am feeling very emotional inside and not sure how else to express those feelings. My intention isn't to point fingers, place blame, make anyone feel bad or offend anyone and I'm sorry to anyone who may feel that I have. I have been blessed with a great family and a handful of good friends. I love you all and appreciate the ones who accept me with all my faults and flaws. For those of you who still judge me and every word I say, well, I guess you know how to close the page.

Currently listening:The Living YearsBy Mike + the MechanicsRelease date: 25 October, 1990
10:50 AM

Birthdays, Reunions & stuff Current mood: a little sad and a lot of thankful

Jason's birthday was last Saturday and I was going to be out of town and he was going to have to stay in town and work. I've dreaded for 8 months having to leave him on his birthday. I finally whined and begged and he broke and came with me to Davis, Oklahoma where my family was hosting the Stewart family reunion. I am so, so, so thankful he came with me. I bought him a tool box for his new pickup and my grandmother and mom pitched in and helped me buy him a new golf club he has been wanting. I am sad for him because that was it. No phone calls, cards or mentions from any family or friends. He is such a better person than I am because he hasn't mentioned it at all. I guess he has gotten used to it. But, I just want to say that I am thankful for my family for making a big deal out of the littlest things. I wish I could show you all the card my mother gave to him. She refused to give it to him on Saturday and insisted on giving it to him on Sunday and we couldn't figure out why. There is a Boston Terrier on the front and it says "I knew your BIRTHDAY was coming! I knew it! I knew it! I KNEW IT....." then on the inside it says ".....but I BLEW it! Hope It Was Fun!" But the real kicker is it plays the song that says "I'm sorry, so sorry, please exept my apology...." with the saddest looking BT on the inside. It's the cutest card I've ever seen! I am so glad I was able to spend his birthday with him. He got to golf, fish, gamble and eat some really good food so it was a great day.
Now, I never would have thought I would enjoy going to Davis, Oklahoma for an enjoyable weekend. But, it was really nice. There was alot of family at the reunion who we haven't seen in ages and the facility Mema picked was really nice. Even the foutons we slept on were surprisingly comfortable. They had the cutest little pond right behind the Lodge we rented and there were paddle boats, canoes and 3 docks to fish from. I even caught 4 perch myself! There are several really nice casinos close by and they do have the world's greatest fried pie stand just down the road. I was really dreading running my legs off since me, Mom and Mema did all the planning but it was really relaxing and enjoyable. My dad's brother, Ricky, came with my dad and cooked all the food which was outstanding. My family gave him tips that added up to well over $300 so he was really appreciated. More importantly we got to spend time with my cousin Robby whose husband, Austin, died a year ago. She has been heavy on my heart for the past year and instead of just picking up the phone and calling her I kept putting it to the side. When it came time to leave and say goodbye she fell apart and couldn't quit crying and she said something that broke my heart. She said she felt so close to Austin when she was with us and she had really needed that weekend. I feel bad for not picking up the phone everytime she crossed my mind. I know for me personally, I have a huge fear that I may lose Jason one of these days. When I have a dream or thought like that it is the most helpless, hopeless feeling of dispair that I have ever felt. Of course everyone loves their family, their parents and grandparents but I can't imagine the feeling of losing your spouse. I cannot imagine life without Jason and my heart hurts so bad for Robby because I can only imagine a fraction of what she must feel. So when people wonder why I choose to not let the little things in my marriage get to me it's because I don't want to waste any time. I want every single minute I can possibly squeeze out so that I don't have any regrets and we don't waste precious time.
Anyways, I had a really great time this past weekend and I hope that I made Jason's birthday special for him because he is special to me, even if he isn't to anyone else.

Currently listening:I Fell in LoveBy Carlene CarterRelease date: 13 August, 1990
1:52 PM

News Current mood: sleepy Category: Automotive

So, our first brand new car as a married couple was a 2003 Ford Mustang. It was okay, I liked it well enough but there was no room. I mean, we went from an old Jeep Cherokee to a little sports car. I complained for 2 years about how small the thing was. Well, when I went to a car dealership in Amarillo to get free hockey tickets (yes, I'm cheap) I felt obligated to look around. And I fell in love with my Mitsubishi Endeavor which I talked Jason into trading the Mustang in for. So then for a year all I hear is how much he misses the stupid Mustang. So, being the awesome wife I am I found another 2003 Mustang for my hubby. That was 7 months ago and I thought all was well. Then for the last few months Jason has been pestering me to trade in my Endeavor (which I still absolutely love) on a Buick Rainier. I stood firm and would not give in. Then I get this sob story about how he can't get his golf clubs in the back seat or the trunk without breaking his bag. So, being the awesome wife I am I went out and bought him another golf bag. Problem solved, right? Nope. So, I said all that to say this....he traded his Mustang in on a Dodge Ram pickup and in case you are all wondering (and that would be you Mom and you Lisa since you are the only ones who read my blogs) the golf clubs do fit in the back seat! Of course I'm gonna have to get a second job to afford the gas.