Snoopy

I put my Christmas tree up this week and for the first time in a long time I was really enjoying getting in to the Christmas festivities. I brought all the boxes in the house, pulled the tree out and set it up, fluffed and straightened all the branches, put all the lights on, and sat back and admired my work. The only thing left for me to do was put the ornaments on the tree. You have to understand that before I was born my mother started a tradition for us kids. She bought each one of us a Hallmark ornament every year from the time we were born until each of us was married with a home of our own. It was hard for her to let those ornaments go and my collection is one of my most prized possesions. I have them all packed away in this neat ornament box where each ornament has it's own compartment and they are in order by year. So I pulled my ornament boxes out and started putting my cherished ornaments on the tree. Each one reminded me of some time in my life and it was nice being able to remember when I loved Rainbow Bright, or the year when E.T. was all the rage, and who can forget the Shirt Tale Gang? As I put each ornament on the tree it was one good memory after another until I reached the last compartment in the last box. This ornament was still in it's orginal box and the minute I saw it my heart sank and it hit me that this particular ornament has never hung on my tree. I never put my tree up last year and I remembered that I bought this ornament the year before. It was Snoopy and it was supposed to be the first of many ornaments that I was going to buy for the little boy that was supposed to be my son. How can you love someone and miss someone that you've never met? I loved him from the time he was seven weeks old in the womb. I love him still, even though I've never seen him or held him. My heart hurts alot and I try to put a smile on my face and convince myself that it's okay and I've done a really good job at doing that until I saw that Snoopy. And you know what, I didn't get to bring him home and he'll never ever call me Mommy but I still love him and that ornament is his and this year and every year from now on it'll hang on my tree and I'll remember him and love him and continue to pray to God that he's being taken care of and being loved and appreciated. Because he deserved so much more than she'll ever be able to give him.

Currently listening:LifehouseBy LifehouseRelease date: 22 March, 2005
9:28 PM

Party

Well, I had a really nice Surprise Birthday Party for my 30th birthday courtesy of my sister and parents. I must say I was a little suspicious, but in the end was really surprised and pleased. Several of my co-workers actually showed up which was really surprising. Most all of Jason's family and my family was there and for that I was glad. I did miss my little Abby and Chloe and Derrick, though.
So, what did I get, you ask? Well, a white gold saphire and diamond necklace from my parents which represents "the circle of life", a nice Fossil watch from my sister, a beautiful engraved silver box with a picture of Karegan, $130 to spend, a candle and several little figurines that I'm gonna put in my office. All in all it was a wonderful birthday that I got to celebrate 3 times, once for each decade I have been around!
Anyways, thanks to all who helped me celebrate this mile stone. I love you all. Oh yeah, I'm stopping here, no more birthdays for me. I think I'll be okay being 30 for the rest of my life!
Oh yeah, my new profile picture of me and Jason was taken at my party.

Currently listening:She Drives Me CrazyBy Fine Young Cannibals
3:20 PM

My Papa’s

I have only had one Grandfather my whole life. He was my Papa, Rev. Robert B. Stewart. You know how your family (i.e. parents, siblings, etc.) is always there to support you and defend you even when you're wrong. But my Papa, he was the only person in this whole world that thought I was perfect. He loved me and gave and gave and gave and gave to me until the day he died. I miss him so much still and sometimes it catches me off guard and I think for a few seconds "I need to ask Papa….." and then it dawns on me that he is gone. Then in the minutes that follow are almost as painful as the day he left this world. I know he wasn't perfect and wasn't the best dad or husband but he was MY perfect Papa.
I never had the chance to meet my dad's father because he died before I was born. I think that's why my own Papa was so special, because he was the only one I had. I said all that to tell you about someone else who I've come to love, admire and respect just as much as I did my own Papa (pronounced paw-paw). Rev. H.L. Stevens, Buster, Bro. Stevens, Papa (poppa), he has many names and all are affectionate terms. I love this man beyond any love that's able to be described in words. I have known this man for over 8 years and from the very first day we met he accepted me for me, embraced me as part of his family and loved me unconditionally. He has given me advice and encouragement, he has helped me and Jason financially when there was no hope, he has embraced every member of my family as if they were his own, and he is married to a special woman who I can say is one of my best friends. He certainly could never replace my Papa but he has come to mean just as much to me. I know that there is truly no perfect human being but I would argue until my last dying breath that Bro. Stevens is as close to perfect as any mortal could be. When Jason and I announced we were getting married he said a couple of things that will always stick in my mind. He said that marriage was a sacred relationship sanctioned by God and it was up to us to protect that union. He said we needed to go into our marriage with the knowledge that every marriage ends in sorrow, whether it be divorce or death and we needed to be prepared to deal with either situation. These past few years have been especially difficult for me and my family, losing Papa, losing Kenzington, all of Dad's health problems, all of Mema's surgeries, and all of Jason and mine's trouble. Bro. Stevens has supported me through all of this and was the first person at the hospital to visit my family, the first one to call to check on me when I was hurting, and the one to step in and try to fix whatever was broken. I've had the pleasure of spending a couple days a week for the last few months with him working on various projects. I know he's getting older and I can see him getting weaker and weaker right before my eyes. He paid me one of the best compliments the other day when he told me that he loved me as if I was his own grandchild, that I was very special to him and Pat both, that he was proud of me, and that Ruby would have really loved me too and he would have given anything for her to have met me. If you only knew how special Ruby was to him, she was his soul mate, the love of his life and he still talks about her to this day with so much love. For him to say this means the world to me and I wanted to share with everyone just how important this man is to me. I have been so blessed to be able to say now that I have had the TWO best Papa's in the world!!

Currently listening:Now That I’ve Found You: A CollectionBy Alison KraussRelease date: 07 February, 1995
11:02 AM

I can breathe again......

He came back home. He says he loves me and wants to make it work. No use in throwing away 8 years together, right? I'm sure it will be a while for everything to be back to 100% but we are going to fight to make it work. I have a few conditions about him coming home and he is trying to comply. Please pray that it'll all work out. I need him in my life.
And in case any of you don't know it, I HAVE THE BEST FAMILY IN THE WORLD!!!!! They always seem to come through for me. I am so blessed.

Currently listening:Pure Moods, Vol. IBy Various ArtistsRelease date: 29 April, 1997
3:42 PM

Scared

I don't feel right. I'm dreading 3:15 when I know the phone may or may not ring. How will he be today? Will I be alone again tonight? I never want to feel like I did last weekend. I've never, ever felt so awful. I can see things are not really okay. We are both just playing along because we are afraid of the change and the pain that it'll cause. He was up at 4:30 am sitting on the couch. It scared me because that's not normal. He yelled at me when I asked if he was going to work. I have that feeling of dread knowing that tonight we may start this all again. How much of this can I handle? Is it even worth trying? He bullied me into being gone for 3 hours yesterday and into buying a Playstation 3. When will I get to the point where I can let him go and not lose myself??
1:07 PM

Let me know...

I am going through a very personal, very private matter right now. Please don't be upset if the majority of my blogs are "Private" or "Preferred Readers Only". I'm really not even sure who reads these. Some of you guys are my personal friends and family. If you do read my blogs and want to be in my Preferred Readers List please let me know and I'll add you. I want to use this as a way to keep those close to me updated on the situation without having to hash everything out over and over on the phone because I can't seem to stop crying long enough to talk to anyone right now. I'm a big blob of tears right now. How fitting it was when I got up this morning the whole neighborhood was engulfed in fog and that's how I felt inside. It's like God was saying he understood how I was feeling.
9:28 AM

My heart is shattered

Thursday, August 02, 2007
It's over. How will I ever make it through this? I don't think I can breathe. How can I have so many tears? I wish this would end. I just want to feel normal again. I want him to be happy but this hurts too much. I wish I could push fast forward until this is over. My life will never be the same. As much as I hate him right now for leaving, I'll always love him. Forever and ever and he'll never understand that. My love will be wasted on nothing from now on. How is this fair????
10:46 PM

If You Were Mine

Have you ever heard a song that really touched you, melody and words? I have one that I listen too often and I wanted to share the words because they mean alot to me. The song is by Fernando Ortega who is an awesome musician. If you get a chance, visit his MySpace www.myspace.com/fernandoortega.

When my heart is troubled and I am way down
Then I like to think of how this lonesome world would be
If I could see your face and hold you in my arms
If you were mine, If you were mine
If you had a bad dream I would jump inside it
and I would fight for you with all the strength that I could find
I would lead you home by your tiny hand
If you were mine, If you were mine
I would sing of love on the blackest night
I would sing of God and how his goodness feels our lives
I would sing to you till the morning light
If you were mine, If you were mine
I would sing to you till the morning light
If you were mine, If you were mine


Currently listening:The Breaking of the DawnBy Fernando OrtegaRelease date: 02 July, 2002
4:23 PM

PLEASE, PLEASE PRAY!!

My Mema is in Wichita Falls visiting some friends and she had a heart attack. They just did a heart cath and they found several blockages and she is scheduled for an emergency open heart surgery early in the morning. Please pray your hardest that she's okay. She is one of the most important people in my life. Mom, Dad, Lisa and Karegan are on the way and Jason and I will be headed out shortly. Please keep us all in your prayers, especially Mema. If anyone needs an update feel free to call my cell, 806-570-5292. Thanks, Lori
UPDATE:
Okay, Mema came throught the surgery okay. She was off the ventilator Saturday afternoon and finally moved out of CCU into a regular room Sunday afternoon. She is pretty irritable, but who can blame her? She has a pretty nasty cough and they did a chest xray last night but we haven't heard the results yet. I decided to stay on one more day but will be headed home tonight with Lisa and Karegan. Then it's back to work. I'll be coming back to Wichita Falls on Friday, though so please continue to pray for safety on the road and a speedy recovery for Mema. I'm headed to the hospital now.
Lori
10:05 AM

Don't be mad.... Current mood: curious

....I'm not talking about you.
I checked my MySpace today and was quite surprised to see that so many people are reading my blogs. I guess I have been under the assumption that Mom and Lisa and a few other friends were the only ones reading because no one ever comments. But, I just discovered the blog view which shows how many people have read your blog today, this week and total. Less than 24 hours of posting a new blog the number is astronomical and that really surprised me and prompted me to worry a little about some of the things I've said because I usually only blog when I'm really emotional or really upset. I am really bad about making assumptions about certain things like statements people make, blogs they post, comments made to other people and such. I have a tendency to think "are they talking about me?". I don't want any of my friends or family to have to wonder "is this blog or post about me?" (and if you are ever concerned about that, just ask me!). I have seen a lot of really nice people accuse, belittle and berate other people in their blogs and posts. It's easy to be an "online bully". I don't want to be an "online bully" and I guess I felt the need to explain a couple of things. First of all, it is very, very hard for me to express my emotions and feelings. I can be feeling a million things inside and not know how or when to express those feelings and sometimes that comes across as me being an unemotional person. Sometimes I just need to get it out so it doesn't build up inside and I have done that through posting blogs and calling my sister or mom bawling. I've never mentioned anyone by name and I can guarantee that if you think I'm talking about you in a certain situation you are probably wrong 95% of the time. I can't hold a grudge to save my life. You can make me fighting mad one day and by night fall I'll be your best friend. So please know that anything I write is usually done when I am feeling very emotional inside and not sure how else to express those feelings. My intention isn't to point fingers, place blame, make anyone feel bad or offend anyone and I'm sorry to anyone who may feel that I have. I have been blessed with a great family and a handful of good friends. I love you all and appreciate the ones who accept me with all my faults and flaws. For those of you who still judge me and every word I say, well, I guess you know how to close the page.

Currently listening:The Living YearsBy Mike + the MechanicsRelease date: 25 October, 1990
10:50 AM

Birthdays, Reunions & stuff Current mood: a little sad and a lot of thankful

Jason's birthday was last Saturday and I was going to be out of town and he was going to have to stay in town and work. I've dreaded for 8 months having to leave him on his birthday. I finally whined and begged and he broke and came with me to Davis, Oklahoma where my family was hosting the Stewart family reunion. I am so, so, so thankful he came with me. I bought him a tool box for his new pickup and my grandmother and mom pitched in and helped me buy him a new golf club he has been wanting. I am sad for him because that was it. No phone calls, cards or mentions from any family or friends. He is such a better person than I am because he hasn't mentioned it at all. I guess he has gotten used to it. But, I just want to say that I am thankful for my family for making a big deal out of the littlest things. I wish I could show you all the card my mother gave to him. She refused to give it to him on Saturday and insisted on giving it to him on Sunday and we couldn't figure out why. There is a Boston Terrier on the front and it says "I knew your BIRTHDAY was coming! I knew it! I knew it! I KNEW IT....." then on the inside it says ".....but I BLEW it! Hope It Was Fun!" But the real kicker is it plays the song that says "I'm sorry, so sorry, please exept my apology...." with the saddest looking BT on the inside. It's the cutest card I've ever seen! I am so glad I was able to spend his birthday with him. He got to golf, fish, gamble and eat some really good food so it was a great day.
Now, I never would have thought I would enjoy going to Davis, Oklahoma for an enjoyable weekend. But, it was really nice. There was alot of family at the reunion who we haven't seen in ages and the facility Mema picked was really nice. Even the foutons we slept on were surprisingly comfortable. They had the cutest little pond right behind the Lodge we rented and there were paddle boats, canoes and 3 docks to fish from. I even caught 4 perch myself! There are several really nice casinos close by and they do have the world's greatest fried pie stand just down the road. I was really dreading running my legs off since me, Mom and Mema did all the planning but it was really relaxing and enjoyable. My dad's brother, Ricky, came with my dad and cooked all the food which was outstanding. My family gave him tips that added up to well over $300 so he was really appreciated. More importantly we got to spend time with my cousin Robby whose husband, Austin, died a year ago. She has been heavy on my heart for the past year and instead of just picking up the phone and calling her I kept putting it to the side. When it came time to leave and say goodbye she fell apart and couldn't quit crying and she said something that broke my heart. She said she felt so close to Austin when she was with us and she had really needed that weekend. I feel bad for not picking up the phone everytime she crossed my mind. I know for me personally, I have a huge fear that I may lose Jason one of these days. When I have a dream or thought like that it is the most helpless, hopeless feeling of dispair that I have ever felt. Of course everyone loves their family, their parents and grandparents but I can't imagine the feeling of losing your spouse. I cannot imagine life without Jason and my heart hurts so bad for Robby because I can only imagine a fraction of what she must feel. So when people wonder why I choose to not let the little things in my marriage get to me it's because I don't want to waste any time. I want every single minute I can possibly squeeze out so that I don't have any regrets and we don't waste precious time.
Anyways, I had a really great time this past weekend and I hope that I made Jason's birthday special for him because he is special to me, even if he isn't to anyone else.

Currently listening:I Fell in LoveBy Carlene CarterRelease date: 13 August, 1990
1:52 PM

News Current mood: sleepy Category: Automotive

So, our first brand new car as a married couple was a 2003 Ford Mustang. It was okay, I liked it well enough but there was no room. I mean, we went from an old Jeep Cherokee to a little sports car. I complained for 2 years about how small the thing was. Well, when I went to a car dealership in Amarillo to get free hockey tickets (yes, I'm cheap) I felt obligated to look around. And I fell in love with my Mitsubishi Endeavor which I talked Jason into trading the Mustang in for. So then for a year all I hear is how much he misses the stupid Mustang. So, being the awesome wife I am I found another 2003 Mustang for my hubby. That was 7 months ago and I thought all was well. Then for the last few months Jason has been pestering me to trade in my Endeavor (which I still absolutely love) on a Buick Rainier. I stood firm and would not give in. Then I get this sob story about how he can't get his golf clubs in the back seat or the trunk without breaking his bag. So, being the awesome wife I am I went out and bought him another golf bag. Problem solved, right? Nope. So, I said all that to say this....he traded his Mustang in on a Dodge Ram pickup and in case you are all wondering (and that would be you Mom and you Lisa since you are the only ones who read my blogs) the golf clubs do fit in the back seat! Of course I'm gonna have to get a second job to afford the gas.

Perplexed

You know, the older I get the more I begin to realize that I will never be the perfect person any of you want me to be. I may be a fat, unattractive, shitty house keeper but I am a person and I have feelings. I don't need it pointed out that all the things you excel at I am a failure at. I am sick and tired of begging people to be a part of my life and having to "buy" relationships just to have them in my life. I give up. I am who I am and you can continue to talk trash about me all day long and I don't care anymore. I wash my hands of the whole situtation. Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice shame, shame on me.
And that's all I have to say about that!

Stamps...who would have thought? Current mood: amused

Okay, so I hacked off a postal employee today. It was quite comical from my perspective. I went to the post office to buy a few rolls of stamps for the office. When I told her what I was needing she informed me that the price of stamps was increasing sometime around the middle of May. My response was "Again?" Boy, wrong thing to say. Her face flushed and in a high pitched voice she said..."Again?! What do you mean, again?! It's been over a year since stamps last went up! Do you know how many times gasoline has gone up in the last year? Like 67 times! Again?! I can't believe you said again! Do you realise you can't even buy a candy bar for 41 cents? You can't even buy a coke for 41 cents!" This lady went on and on about how that was still way cheap for a stamp and everything else goes up and no one complains. I was so surprised at her response to my response. I almost wanted to laugh.
So, next time your in Dumas and want a good laugh, go to the post office and when she tells you that stamps are going up be sure to ask her, "Again?"

You know, I just blog when I want to gripe....

I'm a little irritated. I hope that one thing in this world that no one can label me as is a hipocrite. You know, I was raised in a christian home where going to church wasn't an issue or a choice. I mean, you just went and there was no discussion about being too tired or making other plans. You were there no matter what. The older I got I somehow decided that I didn't need to go to church every time the doors were open. And that saying is so true, that the longer you stay out of church the harder it is to go back. Now, I don't choose to stay home from church because of the preacher, or other members or because I don't believe in God anymore. I am, simply put, lazy. I like to sleep in on the weekends and I hate to wear dresses. Somehow in the last 6 years we, Jason and I, have designated Sunday as our day together to shop and eat and be lazy. But you know what, no one in this world knows what kind of relationship either one of us has with the Lord. We don't live that party lifestyle where we drink, smoke, cuss and sleep around. But people, and I won't name names here, judge us because we don't go to church. They say that we aren't christians and we are possibly going to hell. Well let me ask you a question? What makes you think that the fact that you go to church on Sunday makes you a better person and more "christian" than me? You drink your beer during the week and use your filthy language and take your dirty pills and have extramarital affairs and spend the rest of your time finding things about people to make fun of and nit pick. So now, let me ask everyone else this question? How are they better than me? You know what I call you.....that's right, a hipocrite. When are you going to learn that just because you go to church on Sunday morning and then live the life of a sinner the rest of your week isn't going to get you to heaven. The Lord will not bless someone who goes to church for social advancement and entertainment. All that I ask is that you don't judge me, label me or condemn me. And yes, I should be in church but I will answer for that as well as you will answer for all your dirty deeds.

It's my pity party...and I can cry if I want to.

I am going out of town this weekend and I am sooooo ready. I have had an exhausting week. I run around like I am so busy but it seems as though I never get anything done. I'm usually running around for someone else, though. Sigh, there just isn't enough hours in my day to get everything done and make everyone happy. You know what's really funny is that no one ever really makes time for me unless they want something or need something from me. I'm like the disposable employee/friend/family member. Exept for my parents, grandparents and sister. They do as much for me as I do for them. I mean, is it just me or do you ever feel that way....disposable? Jason and I were having a little argument the other night about family issues and I pointed out that he didn't need to be mean and isolate me when I'm the only one in this world that he has and he's the only one in the world that I truely have. I mean, neither one of us is really that special to anyone except each other. Don't get me wrong, we know our family loves us but we don't have that many friends.....actually none that we can count on and we are both that person in the family that is just not that important. No one ever calls us unless they need something. It would be nice every once in a while if someone would call me and invite me to dinner for a change. Or how about a phone call just to say I miss seeing you and spending time with you? You know why, because I'm not that fun to be around. Sure, I'm smart as hell. I can fix your computer or take your kids picture. I'll buy whatever your selling but when the time comes and I'm having a party, no one ever shows up but Lisa, Mema and Mom. I'm just not the friend that you want to go out with for the evening or do something you hate because it makes me happy, like going to a hockey game. I guess I should feel grateful that people think about me when they actually need something. That should make me proud of myself, I guess. I am the way that I am and I wish I was funner to be around and thinner and more glamourous so people didn't feel ashamed to go out in public with me. I just don't think that I should have to change or be fake to have friends. I guess that's why I cling to Jason so much. He's the disposable friend, son, brother and employee, but he's the most important person in my life. I'll always be on his side even if he's wrong because that's what you do for people you love. I just want someone to feel that way about me. Not just Jason, but my friends and family too. I should haven't to be different or dress nicer or lose weight to be special to you.
And one more thing, if I say something that you don't like or you don't agree with then keep it to yourself because this is MYSPACE, which means it belongs to ME and it is MY opinion and MY philosophy and it applies to ME. Whatever I post about or blog about is MY opinion and only my opinion and it's obviously important to me or I wouldn't have said it in the first place.
Mom and Lisa, I know that you are the only two that read my blogs and none of this applies to you. I've just had a terrible day, actually a terrible week, and I needed to get that off my chest. And I'll probably delete this tomorrow anyways. Now, I should go pack because, once again, I have 5 trillion things that have to be done tomorrow before I can get on the road. I'm just ready to escape....sleep late in that wonderfully soft bed in the darkest room in the world, make love to my husband, gamble a little, buy myself something totally frivolous, eat an outrageously expensive dinner and forget about all this crap. I promise come Tuesday I'll be in a better mood.