That’s what I do

It's really late and I should be in bed but I'm sitting here in the dark and quiet and I'm unable to get up and go to bed, unable to turn the tv on, just stuck here in this chair freezing. It's weird how when the house is quiet and I'm alone it's as though my mind finally wakes up and there is so much swirling in my head that I can barely keep up. I think that's why I don't sleep well at night....it's my curse. I'm good at putting things aside and focusing on everyday life, but when I get still at night everything comes rushing up and I can't push it to the back anymore. It's starting to get overwhelming but I don't know how to make it better. I'm just so tired. Not the kind of tired sleeping a few extra hours in the morning will cure. My body is tired, my brain is tired, my soul is weary. It's like I've been living the last several years just trying to keep my head above water but the harder I try the harder it seems to get. What's the point in life when you are just living to get by and nothing ever gets better? Wouldn't it just be easier to stop swimming all together, take a really good deep breath and just sink? It would be so much easier. But, I'll struggle to get a few hours of sleep tonight, I'll get up in the morning, take my shower, get in my car, put a smile on my face and pretend like life is great and I'm really happy and live another day because that's what I do. Everyday. For the rest of my life. And no one will ever know the real me because that's what I do.
2:35 AM